How Bianca Got her Name
by Hatse
Summary: Hawke is determined. She is persistent. She WILL find out how Bianca got her name, if it kills her. Rated M for cursing, and for being a moronic giggle fest.


**This was written a long time ago, for TamaraAnn1978 who challenged me to write a story about how Bianca got her name. I have no idea, be warned.**

**Re-written and added to.**

* * *

**Warning: Lame jokes. Giggles. **

* * *

"Okay…" Hawke scratched her head, her short dark hair ruffled as always, "she was a lovely dwarven lass that met a tragic end…your first and only love…"

Varric raised an eyebrow.

"Reeeally Hawke?" he answered, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Is that the best you can do?"

"She was your mother's great aunt that baked you cinnamon cookies!" Isabela piped in.

"Great aunt on my mother's side was Bruanna. And she never baked in her life."

"Your first grade teacher!" Hawke offered with a hopeful smile.

"Nope."

"Your cook."

"No."

"Your puppy."

"Please, ladies." Varric petted Bianca's stock affectionately. "You are making Bianca twitch."

Hawke stomped her foot on the ground like a stubborn child, making Varric chuckle.

"I WILL find out how Bianca got her name, if it kills me!"

* * *

Fenris angled next to him the following day, as they were making their way down from Sundermount.

"I received a new sword today," he casually remarked and unsheathed the sword to show to Varric. "From Hawke."

"Be still my beating heart!" Varric gasped. "Are you actually making small talk, Broody?"

The corner of the elf's lips curled ever so slightly upwards.

"It is a sword of Mercy," he went on as if Varric hadn't even spoken. "It is priceless, the best weapon I have ever held."

"Are you going somewhere with this, elf?" Varric wiped the sweat from his brow. He hated the outdoors. "Small talk is nice enough, but I'm sensing you need something from Uncle Varric." He took a sip of water and spit. "And I just swallowed a bug."

"I need help naming it."

"Naming it..And what makes you think I can help?"

Fenris' put the sword back in its scabbard, between his shoulders.

"You are the resident author and story maker, dwarf. I thought you could help me decide. How did you decide on the name for your crossbow?"

Varric nearly started replying before he realised what exactly he was going to say. He narrowed his eyes to the elf and looked at Hawke that was walking farther off to the back, trying to look innocent and uninterested in their conversation. Innocent my foot, Varric though.

"What did she promise you, elf?"

"A cake."

"Not getting it. Sorry."

* * *

Aveline banged her hand on the table making the tin mugs jump. "Tell her already!" she narrowed her eyes at Varric. "She's driving me up a wall, I swear it, Varric!"

The dwarf leaned back on his chair, pursing his lips not to laugh. "What's gotten your knickers in a twist, Red?"

Aveline sat heavily on the wooden benching, scowling. "You know what. Why won't you just tell her?" She grabbed a mug and took a gulp. "Do you know what her latest scheme was? To kidnap Bianca and keep her hostage until you told her how the damned crossbow got its name."

Varric petted the weapon by his side. "Hush, baby," he crooned to the crossbow. "Daddy won't let anything happen to you, promise."

Aveline rolled her eyes. "It's just a crossbow."

"Aveline!" Varric shouted. "Shh, she didn't mean it, honey," he crooned to the weapon again. "Don't cry."

Aveline shook her head. "You're all crazy. Absolutely deranged. I don't know which of you is worst, Hawke or you."

"Admit it, Red," Varric leaned back into his chair again, a small smile playing on his lips. "You'd like to know too."

The red-haired guard captain rose to her feet, sighing. "Well, I tried."

Varric pursed his lips. "Tell Hawke she'll have to do better than that. I'm on to her."

Aveline gave him the finger as she walked off.

* * *

They were all sitting around the table in Varric's suite at the Hanged Man. Even Anders had shown up and was now sipping his water as if it was Antivan brandy.

Hawke looked at her cards with disgust on her face, leaned to the side to look at Fenris' hand, and then threw her cards down. A mischievous smile then lit her face.

"Bianca was actually a man called Cabian that you lost your virginity to…" she started the game again, making everybody around the table moan. "You just anagrammed his name."

"Oh, Maker, not again…"Sebastian sighed.

"By Andraste's dandruff , not again, I agree!" Anders seconded and was even greeted by a rare growl of accord from Fenris.

Varric, just smiled at Hawke and she smiled back at him. This game had been going on for more than a month now, and they were the only two still enjoying her increasingly outlandish guesses.

"I don't know what to find more insulting, Hawke," Varric chuckled, "that I would lose my virginity to a man, or that he would have that ridiculous name."

"Your favorite uncle when you were two was bisexual and you called him bi unca."

Varric snorted and ale went flying everywhere. Even Sebastian had to laugh at that, stuffed shirt though he was.

"Dwarf, have mercy on all of us, and just tell her," Fenris implored, still trying to keep in his chuckling.

Varric leaned in conspiratorially and everyone imitated him, leaning forward and paying very close attention.

He looked around at them all with a somber and solemn look on his face.

"Nahhh," he said and they all huffed and started shouting. "But I did see all your hands, boys and girls…he he he!"

* * *

"I know!" Hawke cried out, her voice ringing with triumph. "It is not a name, it is an acronym."

Varric just looked at her. They had been trudging through the filth and muck of the sewers trying to help Anders gather up his outlandish materials for the potion that would separate him from Justice.

"Hawke, you have been trying to find out for more than three years…When are you going to throw in the towel?"

"Humor me, Varric, or I'll have to think of exactly what is it that is making those soft, squishy sounds under my feet."

"Ewwwwe..Unwanted visual…" Varric lifted a boot to look at the muck clinging to the sole. "Go ahead then, give it your best."

"Bianca stands for Bartrand Is A Nut Case Altogether."

Varric sighed. "Ah, Hawke, that he is , but that isn't it."

"Bollocks, I Am Now Completely Addled"

"Haha. But. No."

"Balls, Isabela Again Nixed Contraband Artifacts."

"Ahhh…NO? I hope?"

Anders came back to them at that moment, cutting their sport short.

"What are you two talking about?" he asked, his mind clearly somewhere else.

"How Bianca got her name, what else?"

"You know, Hawke, if you had been half as interested in helping end the plight of mages…"

"La la la la…Not listening, Anders."

* * *

The final battle. That unhinged mage, Anders, had blown the chantry to so much rubble and timber and Meredith had invoked the Right of Annulment on the mages. In short, a shitstorm of epic proportions had just hit. Crap!

Varric trudged after Hawke as they made their way to the Gallows, Fenris by her side, Aveline behind her. Varric was a bit surprised that the elf was staying to defend the mages, but if there was one person that blasted pointy-tippy was devoted to, that was Hawke. He watched as they spoke to each other and the elf gave her a heated kiss, making all the others blush in embarrassment or giggle and coo. Not Varric though. He needed to be able to describe the scene with detail later. Plus he was happy for them.

Hawke approached him, leaving Fenris to organize their defenses.

"So, old friend," she put a hand on his shoulder, "here we are. Promise to take care, will you?"

"You know me, Hawke, I'm always careful," Varric smiled at her and patted her hand. "Besides, Bianca will take care of me."

She turned to leave then, and Varric grasped her hand and pulled her down to his level.

"But just in case one of us dies," he whispered in her ear, "I have to tell you this…"

Hawke eyes widened in surprise and then she started laughing. Her laughter bounced off the walls of this dismal prison, and made faces pale with worry turn to her and smile.

Fenris approached, them a small grin on his face, looking at Hawke quizzically.

"Oh, Fenris, my love," she managed to say through her giggling, clutching at his arms for support, "you will NEVER believe how Bianca got her name…How didn't I ever think of that?"

The end.

* * *

I am a stinker I know.


End file.
